Reasons Why People Distance Themselves from Siblings and What You Can Do

What could be healthier than having a strong, respectful relationship with your brothers and sisters? These are the people that know you best. Having support from your family can be of incredible importance for making big decisions and knowing that someone has your back.

Unfortunately, many people can’t brag about having the best family in the world. In fact, these people believe that they have nothing in common with siblings.

Are you one of those individuals? If so, you aren’t alone. Many people lose the connection with their brothers and sisters over the years. Understanding the reason for the loss of proximity will be one of the essentials for making things better in the future.

The Importance of having a Healthy Relationship with Your Siblings

Besides the very obvious benefits of being a friend with your brother or sister, having a relationship with a sibling can have much more profound benefits for both of you.

This is one of the most enduring relationships in the life of a person. It starts during childhood, it continues through a period of turbulent transition and ideally, this relationship continues evolving throughout the adulthood years.

An interesting study has examined the lives of 300 men and the results were published in the Harvard Study of Adult Development. Researchers found out that 93 percent of the men that were having a good life at the age of 65 had a close relationship with a sibling early on in their life. The researchers also established a link between a bad relationship with a sibling during the first 20 years of life and the increased risk of suffering from depression later on.

When we come to think about it, having a happy relationship and being close with siblings during those crucial early years is most definitely important for maintaining psychological health and having a strong support system later on in life.

Main Reasons Why Siblings Grow Distant

Chances are that you can’t remember when the relationship with your sibling went sour. Some people are capable of pinpointing an exact moment during which the split took place. For others, the drift was slow and gradual.

Several common factors could contribute to poor relationships between siblings:

Having very little in common or experiencing a change in interests/values: the fact that you’re siblings doesn’t mean that you’re going to have a lot in common. You may feel that the two of you aren’t similar right from the start or you may go for very different things in life as you age.
No bond: the lack of emotional connection will also make it difficult to have a friendship-based and mutually-beneficial relationship with siblings.
Parental favoritism: the manner in which your parents have treated you will have a profound impact on the relationship with your siblings. Childhood patterns will continue affecting your life into adulthood, especially when it comes to powerful factors like favouritism.
Holding a grudge: did something take place while you were still kids, something that your sibling did and that made you feel bad. Chances are that you’ve held on to this silent grudge through the years. Decades later, it could still have an impact on the relationship.
Relying on your parents for active communication: how often do you talk directly to your siblings? Chances are that you share everything with your parents and they’re responsible for passing on information (parental triangulation). The death of a parent could lead to a serious problem and poor communication between the children.
Different understanding of what went on during childhood: as time goes by and you talk about it, it’s possible to find out that the two of you have a very different perception of childhood. You were probably at different stages of development, which is why a particular event affected an older sibling in a certain way and a younger child in a completely different manner.
Sibling abuse: in a number of cases, problems between brothers and sisters stem from sibling abuse. The abuse could be verbal and it could be physical. Most often, older siblings are the ones that abuse younger and weaker kids.

Building a Relationship with Your Siblings Once Again

Chances are that the two of you had little in common, chances are that your parents didn’t do anything to make things better. Is it still possible to build a relationship with your sibling and to overcome the animosity, in case it has taken control of your lives?

Getting to know each other better will be challenging since you’re already adults. You don’t have a lot of things in common and chances are that you lead totally independent lives. Still, starting from scratch is possible if everyone involved is committed to making things better:

Understand the problem: you can’t move forward if you don’t acknowledge what’s holding you back. Understand the cause of the problem and talk to your sibling about it. As already mentioned, chances are that the two of you are seeing things quite differently. By having an open and honest conversation, you can realize tons of things that you were previously unaware of.
Get over childhood trauma: resentment can easily build against the golden child, the favorite of your parents. It’s time to get over this childhood trauma and understand that your sibling isn’t to blame. By stepping outside the traditional family roles, you can start fresh and learn how to forgive each other.
Go slow but keep the lines of communication open: don’t rush this process. Chances are that resentment has built through the years. Both of you will need some time to think things through and reach out. Still, you should keep the lines of communication open. This is especially important for children that have gone through a triangulated relationship with each other and that are just getting used to having direct conversations for the first time in years.
Accept the present reality: if you spend too much time thinking about what could have been, you’ll never have a strong and happy relationship with your siblings. You need a fresh start, which is why you have to accept reality as it is. Wishful thinking and regrets about the past have never contributed to anything beneficial.
Forget about your expectations: you certainly have an idea in your head about how close the two of you should be. Forget about these stereotypical notions and allow the relationship to develop naturally.
Be prepared for the failure of reconciliation: even if you work really hard on making things happen, it’s still possible for the efforts to fail. You have to be prepared for this possibility. Chances are that your sibling isn’t ready right now, chances are that old wounds will heal with time. Let them know that you’re ready to work on it and move on. They’ll come around sooner or later.